Friday Flash Reviews is the bit where the TNOCS.com admin picks a category of song to review, and the community votes up the song they want reviewed within said category.
This week’s voting category was “most reviled-yet-incessantly-recurring Christmas song…”
And, by golly, the community picked “The Christmas Shoes” by NewSong.
This is probably a fair choice, but once again, the community has outdone itself. Because, once again…
I had never heard this song before in my life.
I’m starting to get used to this, actually. Apparently, I’m a musical rube traipsing in a jungle of musical mastery.
But I’m also OK with it as a reviewer, because it means I get to come at these songs with a fresh perspective; one that may not be mired in the culture wars, or genre battles, or the dreaded expectations game.
So, let’s just dive right in so I can give you my very first impressions of “The Christmas Shoes.”
The Friday Flash “Gut Take” Review:
The song starts with the quintessential sounds of 80s heartstring ballad pop:
The Yamaha DX7 chimes with the Yamaha DX7 synth pads, accompanied by the gratuitous plucking of an acoustic guitar.
Yet, despite the mid-80s insipidness, the quality of the production sounds far more modern than songs from the 80s, so I’m a bit confused. Could this be a song that’s not from the 80s?
So, I pause to do a quick look-up:
Wow, it’s from 2000. OK, so someone had some serious 80s music nostalgia on the brain and was determined to roll back the clock. And, I quickly learn, that this certain someone was a group apparently called NewSong.
NewSong?
I honestly was getting confused. So confused that I decided to email our fearless sysop here at TNOCS.com to confirm, with a link to the video, that this was the song I was supposed to be reviewing.
He confirmed.
OK, so, I hit unpause and continued. The vocals kicked in at 15 seconds, and a mere two seconds later, I needed to pause again. I immediately got the sense that I was being mocked. The vocal tenor, tone, and style immediately reminded me of a vocal from another holiday song that I know all-too-well that was specifically designed to embrace-cum-lampoon the the haughty sincerity of Christmas songs.
Unpause. Nothing changes. The 80s do-gooder pistache. The syrupy sincerity. I’m taking it all in. Then I hear “…if momma meets Jesus tonight.”
Oh, dear lord: this song is about the kid’s mom dying and he wants her feet to look good when she dies?
Before I go any further, I just want to state for the record that I’m generally a fan of Christmas. I enjoy the season writ large:
The lights…
The ornaments…
The songs…
the TV specials…
…the festivities…even the capitalist embrace that makes the economy work — It’s all good. I’m a Christmas guy.
Now that my Christmas bona fides are out of the way, I need to confide in you: I feel like I’m being assaulted by this Christmas song.
And because I feel assaulted, I cannot seem to come up with just the right adjectives I’d like to share with you to describe why and how I feel assaulted.
I’m fairly sure the words are out there, but I can’t grab them.
Here’s what I can grab onto: I’m overwhelmed by the seemingly-sincere experience of this song that could not taste more saccharine to me. The sound of it all is overbearing while underwhelming. The vocals continue to bedevil me due to the distinct impression that they are actually meant to be well-meaning yet seem utterly self-owning.
And I’m torn between feeling bad for the young mother in this story who is dying, feeling bad for the kid who can’t afford to give his mom going-away shoes, feeling bad that the son thinks that going-away shoes is what the mother really needs on her deathbed instead of her son, y’know, actually being there next to her, feeling bad that this young mother seemingly taught her son that looking good is more important than feeling good, and feeling bad that I’m having all of these cynical thoughts while some group called NewGroup is signaling to me that I should feel like crap for even entertaining 80% of these thoughts.
And, finally, I feel like I’m being trolled because it’s sung by a group called NewSong. How is that even a name of a group? Am I stuck in a ChatGPT universe where someone simply created the prompt: “create a reviled-yet-incessantly-recurring Christmas song?”
And because the prompt didn’t include parameters on who the group behind the song was, it just hallucinated and made up “NewSong” due to the current lack of generative AI creativity?
I’ll get into the bridge and the coda in the deep dive, where the song assaults me in entirely new ways. But suffice to say this song was not designed for me.
And before I get into the deep dive (which honestly won’t go all that deep due to the depth of the song and how long this review already is), I think it’s important to stipulate that “not being designed for me” is a critical stipulation in this review.
When I watched the video for this song (which could be the basis of an entirely different article), I noticed the comments section was absolutely chock-full of people who are certainly not me: the people who come to watch the video find this song to be a gem; a gift; a tribute to lost ones; and reflective of the true meaning of the season for them.
The Wikipedia entry for “The Christmas Shoes” says that it “frequently polarizes audiences.”
I think that’s the perfect way to put it. I will not stand here and tell others that this is a bad song just because it assaulted me and made me feel bad about thinking things that it thinks I shouldn’t be thinking. If the very same song embraces you with all the feels and all the love and all the Christmas and religious sentimentality that you are looking for, then I got no problem with that. You do you. I’m just here to do me.
And, for me, it’s a 1/10.
The Friday Flash “Deep Dive” Review:
Production: 3/10
If a song wanted to absolutely nail the “80s sentimental gloopy ballad sound,” “The Christmas Shoes” accomplished this feat with flying colors.
But this song is from the year 2000, the turn of the friggin’ millennium. The year 2000 symbolized “the future” like no other year in modern times.
And there’s abso-friggin-nothing about this song that sounds even like the present at that time, nevertheless the future.
That said, Christmas songs get a pass on this: they’re supposed to be timeless!
And that’s why it gets a 3/10. Leaning in on 80s gloop does not give you timelessness. And by the year 2000, someone at NewGroup should have known this. Points deducted. And, then, there’s the coda.. where the production team determined to let the kid tell us in his own voice how he would like to buy the shoes for his dying momma…
…and then he’s joined by the haughty narrator… which is just way too much. Point deducted.
Then the song fades away to hear just the unprocessed kid’s voice at the end, designed specifically to make millions of people cry. I gotta give the team a point for that effort, even though it has the opposite effect on me. One point redeemed.
Songwriting/melody: 5/10
For those who revile this song, it might be hard to delineate between the song in totality and the songwriting behind the song.
But I will task the revilers to come with me on a journey where we can experience the chords and the melody outside the shackles of the production, vocals, lyrics, and, well, everything else about this song.
Yes, deep inside there are some pretty interesting things going on in songwriting, believe it or not. And it does have the melody of a Christmas song, generally.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there is a decently good (average) song living underneath this song.
Vocals: 6/10
You know how to tell if a reviewer is a pro (even if unpaid) or an amateur (even if paid)?
Here’s how: When a reviewer personally has such an aversion to something that their personal rating would be a -1/10, yet is able to find a way to rate them not just fairly, but fairly well.
The systemic cringe I experience listening to the lead vocalist is only made worse when he reaches high and (faux) gruff for the bridge…
…and then joins the kid(s?) in a quasi-duet that ends with the kid, solo this time, seemingly-touchingly singing to his dying mom.
Absolutely none of this works for me at any level. It not only doesn’t work for me, it actively works against me.
Yet, my fine people, there are fine people out there who find this entire charade performance absolutely heart-warming, sincere, and soul-touching. And, on some level, I get it. In fact, I get it so much that I think that for those who align with this song, these vocals aren’t just good, they’re very good.
Listen to how he does the “while” and “smile” in a breathy tone! There’s real care put into this performance. And this song actually gives you the kid in his own voice at the end! How many songs do that?
Nevermind that there are multiple kids singing right after the bridge (which doesn’t make any sense in terms of the lyrics – points deducted!). No, this song’s vocals do reach out and suffocate embrace you with something warm and touching, if you’re into that kinda thing.
Lyrics: 2/10
Honestly, I think Patton Oswalt does a fine job doing the devil’s work breaking down the lyrics of “The Christmas Shoes.”
To sum it up, it’s the lyrics that make this song so darned polarizing. There’s the Patton Oswalt take, which is ridiculously cynical yet also kinda fair.
Then there’s all the people in the comments section on YouTube for this song, who experience this as more of a prayer than a song. So, yeah, polarizing.
So I think to get this right, we need to step back and do a straight-up Christmas song assessment: the lyrics are too cloying and far too depressing to be considered good, solid Christmas song lyrics. Christmas is not a time for dying (that’s Easter, people). Christmas is a time for celebration.
And while Christmas in America has become a celebration of capitalism as well, buying your mother shoes for her hospice bed so she looks good when she dies I feel misses the point of a lot of things, nevertheless Christmas.
Ear Worminess: 3/10
The best Christmas songs are also the best earworms. They’re so good! “Jingle Bells” is one, big earworm. “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”? Every single stanza is an earworm.
Even “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” is a friggin’ earworm from hell. “The Christmas Shoes” lives in this territory, and I’m sad to report that it just doesn’t measure up. Sorry, NewSong.
Final Friday Flash Review Score:
3.8…
rounds its way up to: a 4/10!
TL;DR:
When I tallied up the scores and did the calculations, I was pretty shocked to see how high the final Friday Flash Review score was. I mean, that’s basically a notch below average!
You already know where I stand, so I disagree with the objective assessment, but I still respect it, and it’s probably right on the merits. The merits being:
This song is divisive AF, and on the whole, it probably perturbs more people than it enlightens, which tips the scales to being below average.
At the same time, there are so many blessed people who love this song that it probably makes sense not to be the downright abusive 1/10 that I personally think it is.
Cheers!
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It’s Patton Oswalt, with a “t”
Our intrepid sysop fixed this proactively for me. Thanks MT!
Put me on the negative side of the equation. I’d give this a zero if possible just for the sheer manipulative feel of it all. And I think the general consensus has moved towards those of us who dislike it (or loathe or despise in my case).
For example, here in North Carolina I’ve listened to the local radio stations featuring Christmas music as well as ones on the way to and from the mountains and to and from Washington, D.C., this month, and I have yet to hear it play with less than 4 days until Christmas. And checking on the Billboard Hot 100, it’s nowhere to be found, beat out by a majority of songs recorded before its “Eighties sound” came into creation in fact.
In short, this sappy number from the turn of the century may have some adherents, but they’re fewer and farther between every year. That’s what happens when sap ages, and few things have aged worse than Christmas Shoes, in my opinion.
Know what’s great? I got to enjoy your excellent write-up and I still haven’t ever had to subject myself to actually listening to this song. It’s a Christmas miracle!!
Thanks (and I really mean this) for not including a link to the song’s video. I know that my lack of self-control would have gotten the best of me, and I would be listening right now.
Excellent self-knowledge. Wishing you a life-long continuation of your good luck.
Thanks for the kind words, and you’re quite welcome!
I’ve heard “The Christmas Shoes” exactly once, and that was last year after people here and at the mothership talked about how terrible it is. I’m pretty sure I made it to the end but, ooooh boy, it’s amazingly bad. I try not to denigrate anyone’s art, but this, this, this is just cheap and crummy and awful and atrocious and cheesy and crappy and icky and lousy and weak and lazy and cruddy and godawful and substandard and just plain not good.
And yet, some people like it. How? It’s good to remember here that some people go to operas and some people go to monster truck rallies. Who am I to judge?
But, how can I put this? I know. Yuck. Phooey. Gag.
Still, nice job, Jon. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I totally agree about not denigrating someone else’s art. But denigrating someone else’s self-serving, crassly sentimental with no trace of actual sentiment, deliberately manipulative trash is another thing altogether.
mt did promise me “combat pay” for this assignment. 😅
I’ve never heard this song. And reading your (excellent) review convinces me I never need to seek it.
Wise decision not to seek it. Even better luck at not having previously encountered it.
Thanks for the kind words, and glad to be of service! 😎
I nominated this song, so of course I revile it.
Your songwriting/melody rating made me curious so I found an instrumental version. It was the Piano Brothers, so of course it was pleasant, and I could hear the elements you’re referring to. It’s built on a solid, if predictable, foundation.
I can’t deal with the lyrics or the vocals. They’re unremittingly awful.
I see you snagged a picture from The Christmas Shoes TV movie. It’s honestly far more tolerable than the song. I can’t bring myself to hate anything with Kimberly Williams-Paisley. Not even The Road Chip.
FYI – That’s mt doing *all* the visuals and captions! He needs to take a virtual bow – they are hysterical!
I raise my glass to you Jon for sacrificing your ears and brain cells to find a way to actually try and reasonably review this song. Well done, good sir.
This song is the pinnacle of cringe for me, where it seems to be an SNL skit and should be weirdly, absurdly funny, but it believes it’s serious. How does one reconcile that?? Am I gonna be struck down by lightning because I find the song to be a joke? Is this a setup for someone to go – “you’re a crappy person because this doesn’t make you cry”?
Exactly. That’s why I determined it’s an abusive song – It’s gaslighting us!
I applaud you for this review and resisting the temptation to go the full Tom Breihan on One Week. Thoroughly entertaining but setting aside your own revulsion with acceptance and understanding for others feelings. That’s the Christmas spirit right there.
I’ve never heard the song, I became aware of it last year when it came up in comments and someone linked the Patton Oswalt take on it. I can say with 99% confidence that this has never received any radio play in the UK. Sure we like a bit of misery at Christmas (Fairytale Of New York and Last Christmas aren’t exactly bursting with cheer) but it feels like as a nation this would be met with the same cynicism and incredulity as shown by the tnocs commenters.
Thanks for the kind words, and Interesting point about how the Brits process the Christmas Spirit. Not at all surprising now that I think about it – and it’s pretty aligned with what I quite enjoy about the British culture tbh… that “we’ve been around; we’ve seen it all; nothing is truly *that* special/amazing” vibe.
Thanks for taking one for the team JD. And kind of shame on us for putting you through this (this includes me, I voted for The Christmas Shoes too). Hope the combat pay made it worth it. You exhibited some excellent restraint in your flash review, which is perfect for the Xmas season!
Mt58, I will go into business with you selling those Nicolas Cage / Mona Lisa / snowflake ornaments. We can secure our retirements with that goldmine!
I just can’t go full ballistic on a song like this for one reason: there are people that this song has great meaning for, I’m sure. I just can’t rain on that parade.
Also, I don’t think that the song is intending to be bad or malicious. I think there is sincerity there.
But MANIPULATIVE is the key word. Like, what is to stop the composer from also having the kid get hit by a car at the end of the song? That would have made it sadder, wouldn’t it? Or maybe the singing narrator could get a call at the end of the song that HIS mom was also dying? You see where I’m going with this? At some point you have to have some charity for your listener and how much manipulation that they should be willing to endure to achieve tears.
I think the song has the maturity of the little boy in the song. The song means well, but I feel like I need to put my arm around its shoulders and say something like, “nice job! But I’ll bet with a few changes we could make it better! Could I help you a bit?”. And then we could re-write the entire thing 🙂
Please Link! Do this!!! I am sure you could do far better job with a more compelling story. I laughed out loud at the idea that the narrator’s mom is also dying!!!! Let’s go big!
Ok so I just watched the video for the first time, and I have questions:
1. Nobody mentioned that the hero of the friggin’ story is Rob Lowe. There is also apparently a movie called The Christmas Shoes from which most of the scenes of the video are pulled. I can’t imagine I need to see the movie, the song told the whole story. Right?
2. How can NewSong have 5 members? One guy does all the singing and I don’t think there are 4 other instruments played. Maybe one is like Ben Carr of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones — A guy who dances and gives off the vibes?
3. In what denomination is it believed that the physical clothing Momma wears will remain with her in the afterlife when she dies and meets Jesus? Or are we supposed to imagine Jesus will literally appear on Earth to take her to heaven? “Nice shoes lady, you must have a young son who cares for you. You’re in!”
4. I can absolutely see the appeal of this tearjerker. It’s extremely clunky and poorly executed, but it’s made for the exclusive purpose of making you cry. Lots of art serves this purpose. I prefer to cry over fictional dogs though, so give me Old Yeller or Where the Red Fern Grows any day over this crap.
5. Growing up Methodist in Kentucky, there was an annual multi-artist CCM concert called New Song. A veritable local Christian Lollapalooza. My church would send youth groups every year to Camp Loucon for the event. I never attended myself but several of my friends did and they swore by it as a great place to meet girls. Anyway the New Song term has a lot of breadth in the CCM scene.
The movie (and video) didn’t come out until 2002, when it was first broadcast on CBS. It apparently did quite well in the ratings, as it was followed by two sequels; The Christmas Blessing (2005) and The Christmas Hope (2009). The film is actually a big improvement on the song. Both the cranky guy (played by Rob Lowe) and the dying mother (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) have subplots that attempt to make sense of why the kid wants the shoes and why the man is so moved by it. I enjoyed it more than most made for TV Christmas films.
If I watch the movie do I have to hear the song?
You are a kinder judge than I. Can’t we all instead bond over some Christmas choux?
It’s time someone put the “prophet” in profiterole!
Yes, it’s the voice from Christmas Past, wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Hannakuh, Kwanza and Festivus for the rest of us! I’ll be rejoining the crew next week after a long, hard fall and ready to share with you all. Thanks for still being there. Dance.
Merry Christmas you SG heathens!!! Make sure to buy some lovely Christmas Shoes for the maternal figures in your life before its too late!!!🩰
Merry Christmas, Dance!
You can dance to The Fifth Dimension’s last top forty hit “Living Together, Growing Together” from the Lost Horizon remake with Liv Ullmann. Merry Christmas, DanceFever.