Chapter 1: The Karaoke Diaries

On a Tuesday night sometime in early 1999: for yours truly, anyway, Prince’s When Doves Cry…

…hit Number One…

…once again:

That was the first song I ever sang at karaoke.

What I didn’t say was how utterly petrified I was.

I’ve always been painfully, almost pathologically shy. And massive stage fright went hand-in-hand with of of that. But I was bound and determined to DO this.

I’d chosen this song specifically because the main vocals were within my narrow range. And I knew from hours of practice that I could hit Prince’s high-pitched squeals and “hees.”

So when my name was called, I went up to the stage, and proceeded to sing the entire song.

With eyes closed, hands firmly in my jacket pockets, lips practically touching the mic (not recommended, from both a sanitary and sonic standpoint.)

Never mind the fact that this was a sparsely populated dive bar, and the only people paying attention were the four friends I’d come with.

Wasn’t gonna open my eyes.

And… I nailed the high notes throughout perfectly. Sweating and relieved to be out of the spotlight, I practically ran back to the table before the fade. But the ice was broken, and I put another request in. This time it was Crash Test Dummies’ Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.

This time I managed to keep my eyes open (albeit fixed intently on the lyrics monitor) and my hands out of my pockets. But still with a death grip on the microphone.

The KJ doing the show was a guy named Jason, who happened to have a few other regular scheduled gigs, including a weekend engagement at a hotel bar on Clearwater Beach called Fanny’s.

(I’ll give our British friends a few moments to get over their giggles.)

One night after I’d spent a few weeks doing karaoke at Fanny’s, I hung around after the show as the equipment was packed up. I sort of followed Jason and a couple of his buddies over to the adjoining Waffle House.

Yeah, this was a real classy hotel.

I don’t think I said more than a few words, but through some sort of osmosis I ended up becoming good friends with Jason and his roadie Dave. During his karaoke shows, J would play music between singers to appease those who wanted to dance, but his music library was pretty much limited to a handful of Now That’s What I Call Music! discs. So I ended up supplying him with a bunch of home-burned discs on a regular basis, just to keep things current.

Over the next four years or so I became acquainted with the others who frequented the karaoke shows at Fanny’s.

🎤 There was married couple Greg and Lynnanne, who often brought along a beautiful service dog. Greg amazed with a spot-on performance of One Week (somewhere Tom Breihan is ranting); she stuck with dance songs like Madonna’s “Music” and ATC’s “Around The World” (laughing with the rest of us at the endless “La la la la la” lines in the latter).

🎤 There was Bill, who looked a lot like Kenny G. My female friend once asked Bill for hair advice.; His signature selection was Golden Earring’s Twilight Zone.

🎤 There was the petite stripper/dancer with a heart of gold Adriana. She kept her clothes on while wowing the crowd with Just A Girl and Hanky Panky. Bill and Adriana quickly became a solid couple; here’s hoping they’re still together somewhere.

🎤🎤 Then there were the two Eddies.

Eddie #1 was a guy in his sixties who pretty much owned Sinatra’s catalog, along with Englebert Humperdinck’s After The Lovin’.

Meanwhile, Eddie #2 would arrive with his trophy date, and “sing” (I’m being charitable, here) Enrique Iglesias’s Hero. And then the two of them would immediately head for the nightclub next door.

🎤A crowd favorite was Moms, a short elderly woman who would not-really-sing-but-just-kind-of-say-the-lyrics-loudly, but her song choices were the piece-de-resistance: I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll, Wild Thing by the Troggs, These Boots Are Made For Walkin’, and Bob Dylan’s Rainy Day Women #12 & 35 (aka “Everybody must get stoned!”).

She passed away one night on the way home from a show; at some point though I was lucky enough to duet with her on Should I Stay Or Should I Go? (her choice).

There were also a couple of oddballs who had decent singing voices, but would gravitate toward novelty/comedy. Leah sang You Sexy Thing in an odd falsetto (think Tiny Tim); Bob would do impressions of various Muppets while performing What A Wonderful World.

My close inner circle consisted of Warren (who had an amazing range; he sang Steelheart’s I’ll Never Let You Go one night and didn’t miss a note), Ginger (Torn, This Kiss), and my then-roommate Rob (Centerfold, Semi-Charmed Life, Ice Ice Baby).

And then, there was yours truly…

🎤 (meet-up here next Thursday for Chapter Two…)

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