The (Not So) United Kingdom

Reading the comments on Dutch’s great ‘Ameri’-vision piece, mt58 shared a map of America, showing each States object of hatred:

As I commented, this was invaluable background detail:

… which gave me a thought. That perhaps I could provide a primer to act in a similar vein for the UK.

Firstly, some housekeeping; UK, Great Britain, British Isles – why so many names ? !

So:

Great Britain is the island comprising England, Scotland and Wales. Sometimes referred to as just Britain cos, well, laziness.

United Kingdom is the political entity of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Its full and proper title is The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland – which no one says ever cos, well, laziness. And word counts. I do believe that at the age of 46 its the first time I have ever used it. 

It doesn’t though, include the Isle of Man (island between England and Ireland) or The Channel Islands (group of small islands in the English Channel close to France) as they’re Crown Dependencies. What’s that? You want to know what a Crown Dependency is? That’s one for the Advanced UK class. According to a statistic I just made up but which may well be close to the truth, 97.46% of Brits can’t explain what one is either. Residents of Isle of Man and the Channel Islands are still British citizens despite not technically being from Great Britain or the UK.

Its all so obvious.

Meanwhile, The British Isles refers to the islands of Great Britain and Ireland so includes the Republic of Ireland. As well as all of the other smaller islands dotted off the mainland, like the Isle of Man. But do not ever make the mistake of referring to the Irish (Republic) as British. If you’re in Northern Ireland referring to anyone as British is a potential minefield, probably best avoided.

Now that you’re totally clear on that:

History:

The UK has been subjected to a number of hostile takeovers. There were the Romans from Italy, the Angles and Saxons from Germany (hence Anglo-Saxon), the Vikings from Scandinavia and the Normans from France. The last of those was 1066:

Having seen how its done, we’ve been busy since then giving back to the world. There’s barely a country, territory or region that we haven’t invaded, annoyed or picked a fight with at some point.

Internally its been much the same. England variously fought Scotland, Wales and Ireland all of which were separate kingdoms at one time. Wales was annexed in 1535. Scotland and England formally tied the knot to become the UK in 1707 and in 1801 Ireland was brought on board. Whether they liked it or not, mostly not. While not fighting with the neighbours the English took breaks to fight amongst themselves in the War of the Roses and the English Civil War. We’re the drunk that could start a fight in an empty room.

All of which explains why England isn’t necessarily top of the others Christmas card lists. So basically, on a national level everyone hates the English while the English treat Wales and Northern Ireland with disdain while reserving particular enmity for Scotland.

For national stereotypes that we use to disparage each other:

• Scots are alcoholics, miserly, ginger haired, pasty white skinned from a lack of sun and will be dead by 60 due to a lack of fruit and vegetables in their diet.

• Welsh all love rugby, sing in choirs and are sheepshaggers, i.e. they’re a bit overfriendly with the flocks. Still, could be worse:

• People from East Anglia, the sticky out lump on the East Coast of England just above London are generally assumed by the rest of the country to be inbred with webbed feet and a lack of fingers due to the lack of outside genes. Actually I don’t think that is worse, just a whole different kind of wrong.

• English are emotionless, binge drinking hooligans, arrogant, sore losers and are to blame for Brexit.

What an attractive bunch we make.

And then, there’s the North – South Divide:

• In essence, the stereotype is that the North is a post industrial wasteland, lacking in culture or investment and with a population mired in poverty. In the view of Southerners we’re unintelligent, unintelligible paupers. Whereas the South is rich in wealth, opportunities and culture and populated by the metropolitan elite. In the view of Northerners they’re Southern Softies, or Soft Southern Bastards. Other vastly more offensive terms are also available.

For extra confusion: Wales is generally considered to be on the north side of the partition even though geographically it straddles the divide. If it’s considered at all. English disdain, and all that.

It was explained to me that the reasons behind each US state’s ire was largely due to college football. Sport plays a big part here too but its mostly due to professional football of the spherical ball kind. The only college rivalry of any note is Oxford and Cambridge but I’m not sure that anyone outside the students and alumni of these universities particularly cares given that the stereotype of them is that they’re overprivileged muppets.

A map of county rivalries probably wouldn’t give much away as its generally at city / town / village level where the real action is. The exceptions to this being Lancashire and Yorkshire which, is an enmity that goes way back. Things kicked off in the 1400s as they fought the War of the Roses. It might sound like an argument over floral arrangements but was named for the symbols of the two counties; the Red Rose of Lancashire and White Rose of Yorkshire.

It rumbled on in bloody fashion for control of the English throne over the course of 30+ years, with Lancashire ultimately coming out on top, setting up the reign of Henry VIII and thereby giving Herman’s Hermits a punning #1 song title 500 years down the line and providing Shakespeare plenty of material to work with. Quite the legacy. 

People in Yorkshire have long memories though, and still haven’t forgotten. Plus they have an overbearing assertion of their own superiority over everyone else, reflected in the phrase that Yorkshire is ‘God’s own country’. At the height of the Happy Mondays, Stone Roses and Madchester music scene, Lancashire responded with the proclamation that on the 8th day God created Manchester.

God is yet to comment publicly on the matter.

The other main county rivalry is due to baked goods. Devon and Cornwall are mostly rural counties and tourist magnets at the far south west corner of England. They share a common enemy in rich city dwellers who buy up second homes all over the nation’s beauty spots and price the locals out of the market. When it comes to scones though, its war.

In Cornwall scones are served jam first with clotted cream on top. The Devon method is clotted cream first with jam on top. You might think who the hell cares, just let me stuff my face with them. And you’d be correct, I do love a good scone but people also love an argument. If they weren’t wasting their time on this they might have to do some work.

Personally, I follow the Cornish method. Not because I have anything against Devon, but jam is thicker than cream so its easier to spread the cream on the jam. If any Devonians are reading, sorry, its nothing personal.

While we’re on the subject of scones, in addition to the bad blood between Cornwall and Devon, they’re also at the centre of one of the most contentious and long running debates in Britain. In the unlikely event you find yourself at a dull dinner party with a load of Brits and want to liven things up just ask how they pronounce the word scone then sit back and watch.

Where I grew up its pronounced scone as in ‘gone’ whereas where my wife grew up in Derbyshire (the Midlands) its scone as in ‘phone’. Both opinions informed by the belief that the other pronunciation is the reserve of posh folk. I’ve never watched Downton Abbey so I can’t verify who is right in that regard. There appears to be no north – south divide on this one, there are pockets of variation all over the place.

And if you really want to toss in a lit match? Ask them about bread. This simple item is variously called a bread bun, a breadcake, a bread roll, a barmcake, a cob, a bap, a muffin, a scuffler, etc, etc.

Any discussion of which is correct will result in the belief that the louder and more forcefully you shout will be sufficient to convince everyone else that your own term is the one true bread. As well as being entirely pointless.

Still, its better than shouting about Brexit and the merits of EU membership.

Brexit is a recent addition to the hate factory. It managed to internalise all the dischord that was previously directed at our European neighbours by those of certain political persuasions and set families, friends and colleagues at odds with each other. Social media was a lawless sewer of righteous indignation, baiting and abuse the week after the vote. And still it rumbles on. I never thought I’d say it but as a left-leaning pro-European, let’s all just get on and love each other type of guy, I’d rather go back to the scones debate to be honest.

Back to sport then. Specifically: football. Generally hatred is reserved for a team’s closest neighbours, usually in the same city or one not far away. Given the size of the country and number of teams its not difficult to find someone to despise. Sometimes, one intense rivalry is just not enough. For example, Liverpool (as in the football team) have their cross city neighbours Everton to cross swords with but also have a particularly ‘vibrant’ relationship with Manchester United. Manchester United meanwhile also have Manchester City to contend with and then there’s Leeds United for whom Manchester United are the object of their disaffection.

The intensity of their non affection and reciprocation waxes and wanes depending on teams’ trajectories. Cross city rivals will always have a special bond. But despite being in the same division, Liverpool have been outperforming Everton for so long that Liverpool fans don’t treat Everton as serious rivals anymore. Similarly, Leeds United fans hatred of Manchester United isn’t returned with quite the same level of animosity these days.

The Liverpool – Manchester rivalry also takes in other aspects. Its not just football, both were industrial powerhouses vying for commercial supremacy and football just allowed residents to give voice to their feelings of superiority. And then music was added into the mix. The Beatles and Merseybeat gave Liverpool global supremacy in the 60s but Manchester came back strongly in the 80s and 90s with The Smiths followed by Madchester, followed by Oasis.

My own team are Newcastle United whose arch rivals are Sunderland. Again, both industrial powerhouses for whom football was an extension of civic pride, the stadiums are only 14 miles apart. Both were hugely successful in the late 19th and early 20th century but just like the shipyards both were famed for, that success is now a distant memory. A shared lack of success does nothing to calm feelings though. In 2013 Sunderland won 3 – 0 at Newcastle. Trouble ensued from aggrieved Toon* fans resulting in a notorious altercation captured on film in which a middle aged man punched a police horse in the head. He was sentenced to 12 months in prison. The horse was fine, you’ll be pleased to know. Sometimes hatred and stupidity tread a fine line.
* Supporters of Newcastle are the ‘Toon Army’. This is because in Geordie (someone from Newcastle) vernacular Toon = Town and Newcastle is The Town.

For possibly the ultimate sporting rivalry, which isn’t really about football at all, it’s off to Glasgow. Celtic and Rangers are the biggest clubs in Scotland. Celtic represent Catholics and Rangers Protestants. Sectarian politics have played such a part that the first Catholic to sign for Rangers wasn’t until 1989. Despite over 130 years of shared history, there are still only a small number of players that have played for both teams. The rivalry is a representation of all the issues around Northern Ireland but transplanted to Scotland, taking in religion, politics, national identity and a whole lot of history. I wouldn’t even know where to start in dealing with Northern Ireland though, its seemingly simple but complicated. Or is it seemingly complicated but simple? 

There’s so many rivalries across this land that its only possible to cover off a small amount. For one last example of how far down it goes, when I first used to go out drinking with friends it was in the small seaside town of Amble. A couple of times we went drinking in Alnwick instead, a bigger town 10 miles away. (A picturesque place, Alnwick Castle has appeared in many films including representing Hogwarts). We were told by older friends that under no circumstances should we tell anyone we were from Amble.

As the largest town in the area, a Friday and Saturday night in Alnwick pulled in drinkers from across the district. Alcohol and parochial pride in their town or village apparently made for a combustible combination. We never experienced any trouble ourselves so maybe like a lot of these stereotypes it was more folklore than reality but we didn’t take any chances. 

One thing to remember is that all of the stereotypes depicted are just that – and they ignore the rich diversity that exists everywhere. There maybe an element of truth in some of them but I would like to make it clear that I do not believe that the Welsh shag sheep or condone its use as a derogatory term. My role is merely to educate you in just how dysfunctional a family the UK can be.

Right then, anyone have any questions on that or have any requests for future primers on British culture, geography, history, etc?

Or if you like, the comments section is open. Feel free to have an argument about what you call bread buns. 

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