In each of the last two years, I’ve offered for your elucidation a round up of some of the finest / worst novelty songs ever to have breached the UK charts:
I left with a warning: that there’s still plenty more where they came from.
So here I go again.
Rather than a one-off, this time I’m going to rewind back through the decades to shine a light on the weird and the odd.
Kicking off with the 00s and 10s; overall the 21st Century has seen a decline in this noble tradition but TV singing contests and streaming has still allowed for a new batch of oddities.
Hampenburg:
Duck Toy
#30 – 2002
For much of the first minute it’s a standard continental happy hardcore banger. Then the squeaking really kicks in. There’s even 15 seconds where the music drops out leaving nothing but squeaking. Anyone driven to distraction by a dog that just won’t leave that squeaky toy alone may be triggered by this. Or may find themselves wishing the dog could chew it in time.
l’d quibble that rubber ducks don’t make that squeaky noise, not the ones I or my daughter had as a child but pedantry is one of the few things more annoying than the unstoppable sound of squeaking.
Jonny Trunk and Wisbey:
The Ladies’ Bras
#27 – 2007
At 36 seconds this is the shortest top 40 hit ever. Once you’ve heard it you might think 36 seconds is too long.
Jonny Trunk has run Trunk Records since 1998, releasing forgotten film scores and soundtracks, jingles and weird ephemera. Duncan Wisbey is his sometime comedy partner. While performing at the Edinburgh Festival they came up with this while messing about in their downtime.
A set of lyrics that don’t exactly speak to the human condition are set to The Gonk, a piece of incidental music from Dawn Of The Dead. Looking for some extra filler for Trunk’s 10th anniversary compilation it got the release they never knew it deserved.
From where it got picked up by BBC Radio London DJ Danny Baker and entered the charts at #70.
A few weeks later, Scott Mills on Radio 1 brought it to it national attention and it re-entered the charts at #27.
I could say its in a fine British tradition of whimsy and being a bit rude – see the Carry On films of the 1960s – or, then again, it really is just two blokes dicking about.
British Royal Legion:
2 Minute Silence
#20 – 2010
Exactly what the title suggests. A charity release tied in with the annual Remembrance Day commemorations on November 11th.
There’s not much that can be said about the ‘tune’. It’s a timeless classic. The video features a host of well known British personalities staring solemnly into the camera, along with current and ex-servicemen. Oh and the then Prime Minister David Cameron for retrospective pantomime villain status. If only he had kept his mouth shut instead if announcing his bright idea for a referendum on EU membership.
If two minutes silence wasn’t sufficient, lovers of tranquility were in for a treat a month later. Following the success of the 2009 campaign to beat X-Factor to the Xmas #1 which resulted in Rage Against The Machine taking top spot, John Cage’s 4’33” was promoted as 2011s contender. Maybe 2 minutes silence was enough, 4’33” charted a position lower at #21.
The RSPB:
Let Nature Sing
#18 – 2019
Now, for something else to soothe the soul: two and half minutes of birdsong. Though as an Eddie Izzard routine had it, is it really so soothing given that what they’re actually vocalising is a warning to stay off their territory? As Eddie said it; “You know that song, “A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square?” He actually sang, “F*ck off out of Berkeley Square!”
RSPB is the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. The track features an all star line up in the vein of Band Aid and USA For Africa.
* Keen ornithologists may wish to listen first and see how many birds they can identify. For everyone else these are the vocal talents present:
- Cuckoo
- Nightingale
- Wren
- Blackbird
- Robin
- Great Spotted Woodpecker
- Crane
- Curlew
- Lapwing
- Swift
- Bittern
- Snipe
- Blackcap
- Swallow
- Great Tit
- Sedge Warbler
- Grasshopper Warbler
- Skylark
- Song Thrush
- Nightingale
- Nightjar
- Tawny Owl
Big Ben:
Millennium Chimes
#53 – 2000
If you like repetitive beats, this one is for you. Though it is a ponderous 12 BPM (bongs per minute) so not one for raving too. US has the Times Square ball drop to mark midnight at new year. Britain has the sound of Big Ben to ring it in. For the Millennium, someone had the bright idea of releasing the sound of the ‘bongs’ on CD and 7″ inch. The Official Charts and Discogs confirm its existence but Google, streaming services and YouTube fail to locate the actual 1:28 length single.
Essential if confusing trivia: The clocktower is officially called Elizabeth Tower and the bell is The Great Bell. Though the bell acquired the nickname Big Ben which also became what most people refer to the tower as.
One Pound Fish Man:
One Pound Fish
#28 – 2012
One that came about thanks to the streaming age. The One Pound Fish Man is Muhammad Nazir. He came to Britain from Pakistan in 2011 and worked on a market fish stall, hence his alter ego. He came up with the lines to entice customers, some of who uploaded videos of him to YouTube where it went viral. Some people are easily entertained.
From there he raised his profile further, auditioning for X-Factor and although he didn’t progress in the competition he did get a record deal with Warners. Which is where this EDM version of One Pound Fish came from. It was touted as a challenger for the 2012 Christmas #1 but the millions of views (36 million and counting) didn’t translate to actual sales and he finished well down at #28.
Not that that was his biggest concern. His new found fame brought him to the attention of the Home Office. Its unclear whether he was actually deported for breaching the terms of his student visa or he left voluntarily because it was about to run out but a week after making his chart debut he was back in Pakistan. From where he applied for a new visa to return to the UK which was refused due to breaching his previous student visa by signing a record deal.
He’s still in Pakistan and like many a pop star still trading on past glories. In 2023 he released a new video with the One Pound Fish lyrics adapted to sell vapes for One Pound.
Cheeky Girls:
Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)
Four weeks at #2 – 2002
Singing shows aren’t just there to find the best talent. For some the audition process with their series of bewildered hopefuls, lack of self-awareness and plain terrible singers out for even 15 seconds of fame is where the entertainment lies.
The Cheeky Girls are identical twins; Gabriela and Monica. Along with their mother/manager/songwriter; Margit, they moved from Romania to UK in 2002. They auditioned for X-Factor precursor; Popstars: The Rivals, with a prototype Cheeky Song.
Despite not getting past the auditions and not being the most accomplished singers (to be fair they were singing in a second language) they were the unlikely other breakout act, along with winners: Girl Aloud.
To say its simplistic would be an understatement. Never mind a narrative: feel the repetition.
Sledgehammering home the theme it features the word Cheeky 52 times. With ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ coming up 20 times each.
You might think that doesn’t leave room for anything else but they do make a reach for profundity, or is it problematic, by requesting that the listener:
“Come and smile, don’t be shy,
Touch my bum, this is life”
When you consider that their mother co-wrote this, the phrase you may be reaching for is “Ewwwww”.
Maybe it was their trademark hotpants that accentuated their ‘cheeks’ but these were no one hit wonders. There were another three top 10 hits in 2003 and a final top 40 sign off in 2004.
For added unlikeliness, Gabriela became engaged to Liberal Democrat MP; Lembit Opik, 18 years her senior.
Like their career that relationship generated plenty of column inches but wasn’t built to last. Gabriela broke off the relationship a few months later.
The K**ts
Boris Johnson Is A F**King C**t
#5 – 2020
It won’t be a surprise to you that this is really not safe for work. While Ladbaby were stealing all the headlines with their series of Sausage Roll puns another act was using the same one week and done targeting of the Christmas charts. Crashing into the top 10 and disappearing the week after.
This act had a message, a very blunt one and not one that allowed for any radio play. Or even to be mentioned on the chart countdown.
You can full in the blanks for yourself in the name. Their first effort came in at a lean 56 seconds but it packed in a lot of profanity, around one expletive per second. If you think that doesn’t leave time for much else lyrically, you’d be right. Keeping on message, like all the worst politicians.
It’s a commendable assertion of British values and the way the chart works that such frank expressions of distaste for the political status quo can invade the top 10.
They’ve managed another three top 10s and a top 20 hit attacking the government and monarchy. Those subsequent chart entries have expanded their musical horizons and way with words. The profanity remains but with more exposition.
They might not change the world or be as eloquent as Bob Dylan, Pete Seeger or other classic protest singers – but they pack a punch and raise a smile.
Next time: It’s back to the 90s and another selection of the bad, the terrible and the ‘what the heck was that?’
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I shall dig out this list next time I find myself caught in a “British music is better than American music” debate.
Maybe the debate should be reframed as whether the worst of British music is worse than the worst of American music.
The US let this chart, so they haven’t got much room to talk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKsVSBhSwJg
I forgot about that classic.
A whole nation of people with my terrible sense of humor? Surely that can’t be a good thing.
And yet it feels so right…
If you like them there’s plenty more to come. There wasn’t as much to pick from in the 21st century, maybe its having YouTube and the way music is consumed has taken away the impetus for novelty records, or the ability to make a quick cash in from them.
I’m putting the finishing touches to the 90s selection now but it’s the 80s and before where it gets difficult to pick from the riches available.
I was hoping for a more obnoxious gabber remix of “Duck Toy” but alas, I can’t find one on YouTube. New submissions welcome.
I did find this progressive trance one, which is actually kind of nice:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRFgcMUP5KE
As for RSPB, Let Napoleonofbirds Sing…le out every nuance of this track for us.
It’s not going on a playlist anytime soon but I have found myself enjoying Duck Toy. The squeaking is oddly hypnotic. That trance version is great as well.
Agreed, I think I like “Duck Toy” the best out of all of these, though “Cheeky Song” is enjoyably stupid, too, and I mean that in the best way possible.
Fun article, JJ!
Of course, the Best of the Best for me remains this gem from the first installment:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MqMZ6XqMfc
The music to the “Cheeky Song” sounds really familiar… It kinda resembles “Gangnam Style” but that came out much later. I can’t quite … hmm, I was going to say “put my finger on it,” but that doesn’t sound right. 🙂
The YouTube link for the Boris Johnson song isn’t available in the US, but this one is. If you’re inclined to listen to it, that is, but I’ll say this much, it’s exactly what you’d expect.
https://youtu.be/uGwCykQwgTU
Wow. That makes Da, Da, Da sound like a masterpiece.
Oh my. I did quite enjoy the birds singing, and the two minutes of silence felt appropriate. What can you say when there’s nothing adequate to say?
Sometimes it’s good to have a different kind of different. A different kind of novelty; thoughtful and soothing. Room for all.
That list of birds mock me.
I regret not buying the Utopia reissue with the fourteen bird whistles. The original price seemed kind of steep. In retrospect, all I had to was skip a couple of meals. Or be like Vladi Divac and eat two Taco Bell bean burritos every night for a week.
Now it’s selling in the $2K range.
Now I’d have to sell the Honda Civic.
I did, however, buy the Bruce Springsteen in the multiverse poster.
Both items were featured as article subjects on the mothership.
Sadly, there was no picture of a Great Tit on the bird poster. I’d like to see one of those.
What a bonanza! All these make ‘Disco Duck’ sound like Beethoven’s Ninth. Well, not really. Bad taste and horrible ideas truly are universal. And I say this as a Rick Dees stan.
Maybe Beethoven’s Ninth is pushing it but a Fifth of Beethoven possibly.
Stay tuned, plenty more to come….
I have to say, I can see the appeal of Two-Minute Silence and Millennium Chimes as a radio programmer, although I doubt I’d purchase them. Thanks for including these, I never knew about them until now!
I remember years ago hearing about radio protocol here that if there was any unplanned silence on the national BBC stations lasting longer than a certain time it would be taken as a sign that something very bad was happening (i.e. nuclear armageddon) and emergency broadcasting would automatically kick in.
A quick search suggests its not quite that extreme but most stations have systems in place to detect silence and will go to a backup audio source. Any playing of the two minute silence needs to carefully scheduled to avoid embarrassing interruptions then.
Much like a manager at my work many years ago. The start and end of any silence is notified by a quick blast of the fire alarm. There was a two minute silence observed for the death of Princess Diana, these things are notified in advance so everyone knows that it’s not an actual fire alarm. The unfortunate manager lost track of the planned event and on hearing the alarm leapt into action shouting that everyone needed to get up and get out of the building. At least it showed he was alert for the event of a real fire.